LONELY

somebody loooove meeee. i broke up with my boyfriend back in february, and since then ive only dated a few guys. or more like, i dated two...and both of them are assholes. one was mad because i wouldnt sleep with him, and the other said he didnt feel good the first time i told him i wanted to have sex with him. so hes DONE. nobody tells me no for sex. especially since i dont do it very often. well, i mean, i do when its with a serious boyfriend...i just dont go around screwing every guy all willy nilly and what not.

so anyway, i just got a job as a bartender, and im a little nervous, and a little excited. we have to dress super sexy...like booty shorts and fishnets. i feel like i should lose at least 20lbs before i actually work a weekend shift but i dont really have all that much time.

ive been thinking about enlisting in the service, and up until last night, i thought that was what my father would have liked me to do. i just want to do something to make him proud of me...and he actually came out of nowhere and told me that im not cut out of the service. that just makes me want to join that much more. but im also terribly afraid of failing at it. i dont know. im just so confused about everything.

i was doing really good staying clean (away from drugs) but since ive gotten back from camping, all ive been doing is getting high. i dont want to tell my parents because theyll just flip out and be disappointed again. i want to be able to stop on my own. my friend sal says the obsession will be lifted in a few months with prayer and patience but sometimes i feel like ill never amount to anything. like ill always be this pathetic heroin addict.

id like to go back to school and get my associates but even thats intimidating. this new job is even scaring me because i havent had responsibility in so long that ive almost forgotten what its like. i just need to suck everything up, stop getting high, and start making money. i have so much shit to get. first, i have to start paying my mom back for all the debt shes gotten me out of, and for all the money ive borrowed from her. next, i need to save up for my motorcycle course, permit and bike. then i need save up for a keyboard and a kyack. then i need to start paying off the credit card bills i just recently ran up again. im so ashamed of myself again. like i just cant escape anything.

and on top of all of this, im just so god damned lonely. ive been leading guys on, allowing them to cuddle with me, but never anything else. so they think i like them and theres something special between us. but that is so far from the truth. the truth is that im lonely and i just want to be held. i dont miss having that emotional connection or the intimacy. i just literally need someone to have their arms around me, even if its just for a little bit and then temporarily, things feel a little bit better.

this weekend im hoping to go to west point and visit my friend i met in rehab. hes married, but hes constantly flirting with me. hes so f***ing gorgeous that i just cant help but flirt back. i feel guilty. but hes a grown man and should know better than to flirt with a lonely 21 year old. what is it with older men trying to get with younger girls anyway?

im still at my day rehab program. although im seriously starting to f*** up. i find myself completely incapable of getting there on time, and then having an even harder time staying the entire day. i think whats really going on is that theres no cute guys there to flirt with so i have absolutely no interest in going. but then theres the fact that im not supposed to be going to meet guys...its for me to get better. but im just that boy crazy that men always dictate my life. maybe dictate isnt the right word. but maybe it is. no man has ever owned me nor will one ever, but they sure do influence a lot of things..like my mind, my actions, my emotions.

i have to get ready for training. so far i dont like it because no one really talks to me. i dont know if its because im being quiet or because i give off a bad vibe. i cant tell you how many people ive met in my life that eventually have told me i look like the biggest bitch, but like me once theyve gotten to know me.

maybe i should have my faced botoxed into a permanent smile.